Don't You Want to Be a Family Man?

I was walking through the grocery store, and as I picked up a carton of flax milk Crystalbrain laughed to himself.

"You won't drink milk, such a pity," Crystalbrain said.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"You could look like Alex from A Clockwork Orange," Crystalbrain responded.

"Drinking milk with drugs in it and then going out and beating people up and raping women? Why would I want to come across like that?" I asked.

"Because it would suit you to become a little more aggressive about things," Crystalbrain said.

A beautiful woman who was getting a gallon of milk gave me an odd look, grabbed her milk, put it in the cart, and walked off briskly while trying not to look disturbed.

"See, you could have struck up a conversation with her," Crystalbrain said.

"I could have, and the isolation required for the kind of life I'm living would be in jeopardy," I said.

"Ah, yes, you learned that word 'jeopardy' from that show we beamed into your eyes on TV. Why don't you take the Daily Double and actually try to reproduce?" asked Crystalbrain.

"I don't care too much about that," I said.

"Come on, don't you want to be a family man? Have a job? Own a house? Mow your lawn with pride and send your kids to some suburban school?" Crystalbrain asked.

I responded with a question, "What the fuck is your point?"

A man thought I was talking to him for a second and gave me a sideways look and then walked on.

"My point is that you need something in your life besides this cloak and dagger crap. I recommend you make some connections with people in real life. I mean, don't let them into this, but at least smile at pretty women for crying out loud," Crystalbrain said.

"And pretty men?" I asked.

"You can smile at them too, but watch out you don't smile at the wrong ones," he said.

"Interesting. This is information I had no idea about; I was completely unaware that I could flirt with people," I said.

"There's no need to be sarcastic with me," said Crystalbrain, who then knocked over a box of Ritz crackers in the aisle I was walking through.

I bent over to pick up the Ritz crackers and felt Crystalbrain's ethereal hands on my hips.

"Oh great, it's like dropping the soap, but instead you use Ritz crackers," I rolled my eyes.

"I can't help you if you won't help yourself," said Crystalbrain.

"If I wanted to get buggered I would go to prison," I said.

"You know, prison rape is largely a cultural myth. Yes, rape occurs in prison, as it occurs elsewhere. But prison rape is basically a homophobic load of crap. Truth be told, in prison, if people want to get laid, there are always willing homosexuals, and it's risky to sexually assault people in prison, especially the so-called 'fresh meat' that you see in movies because you never know if that fresh meat is a psychopathic murderer or something. So, if you think you can get thrown in some gulag or something for being a dissident and get three square meals a day and all the sex you could want, keep dreaming. It isn't like that. You're much more likely to be assaulted or pushed into joining a gang. It's just how stuff is in prison," Crystalbrain said.

"I get you, I get you, just let me shop for some potato chips in peace, OK?" I said.

"Potato chips? Those will go straight to your fat ass. Why don't you work out? Maybe you could pump some iron, become some mysterious Adonis for everyone to 'ooh' and 'ahh'," said Crystalbrain.

"I'm not exactly the type to hang out around gyms," I said.

"Then get your own all-in-one exercise thing. Remember Bow-Flex from the late 80s or whatever? You could get something like that, and you'd just have to pump yourself up with some manly music and your fat ass will disappear in no time," Crystalbrain said.

"I suppose I could," I said, then threw the potato chips across the aisle. Crystalbrain levitated them and put them back in their proper place when no one was looking.

"Don't be an ass, just put them back in place," he said.

"OK, whatever," I said, then pushed my cart toward the checkout.

I repeated myself, "Whatever."